Keycaps are the new hubcaps
Come press my buttons, I have stumbled upon a new hobby—pimping keyboards!
It all started earlier this year [insert music]. I had to retire from working on my laptop after all those decades. Bad ergonomics—who knew? Embracing a desktop setup has been a bitch, but my shoulders and eyes love it, and playing with new toys brings opportunities.
My interest was piqued as I embraced keyboard hotkeys to navigate my computer. Hotkeys, or the less sexy keyboard shortcuts, are much quicker and easier than using a trackpad or mouse. Although remembering all those key combinations takes time.
Along the way, I discovered an app called Better Touch Tool. And no, it wasn’t in a sex shop. No vibrations either.
Better Touch Tool allows users to customise their keyboards, trackpads, and mouse to their liking. Fantastic. I repurposed my numpad for one button operations.
We’re talking one finger to open apps, add emojis to text, insert text, double-click, and cut n’ paste. I even created mouse buttons (I want to insert an “American Pie” double-clicking the mouse joke, but you know plagiarism). What can I say? I’m easy to please.
The set-up didn’t have to vibrate to make me love it. I purred. But all good things end, and we have gone our separate ways. It’s not you. It’s me. A full keyboard isn’t the best ergonomically. The right arm extends outward. The angle may be fine for some. Not for moi.
However, after a divorce, we find better solutions. Embracing my inner nerd, I discovered that Better Touch Tool caters to different l̶o̶v̶e̶r̶s̶ keyboards. They just need to be different types — whatever that means.
From my tech hoard, I brought out the Logitech “Pop Keys” I scored on clearance last year. Apple and Logitech keyboards are registered by Better Touch Tool as different types. And the nerdifying begins. — I made that word up.
I love pressing the buttons on Bumble Bee (Pop Keys), he’s like an old school typewriter. He scratches an itch I didn’t know I had. Ooh ahh. He’s cheaper than a date.
Everything has pros and cons. Touch typing is out of the question. But I enjoy hooking the keyboard up to my iPad when reading an ebook. It makes navigation a breeze.
With the aid of Better Touch Tool, I turned Bumble Bee into a hotkey device for my desktop setup! That’s 85 buttons for me to get off on. God, I love Better Touch Tool.
Unfortunately, my two keyboards are fugly together in a “what’s she doing going out with him” kind of way. What can I say? Looks matter. That shade of yellow is a sexy beast on its own but doesn’t play well with others.
Unless… unless… I pimp my keyboard!
Apparently, it’s a thing now. Buying keycaps for mechanical keyboards is all the rage. Most mechanic keyboards use the “cherry” keycap type, but there are others. Do your research before pimping.
On AliExpress, I found a cheap Halloween-themed set of keycaps. Don’t judge me. You try working with that construction site yellow. Besides, as my friend Jane says, “It’s always Halloween at Tannille’s.”
Let the pimping begin!
The keys bounce right off the keyboard, with some fingertip bruising. They look better on the floor anyway. Although be careful, I imagine they’re like treading on Lego.
The new keys sit on top and connect like Lego. I had a fucking hell moment discovering the keys are a different height depending on the row. What’s the meaning of this insanity? I’d like to remind you that I’ve been a laptop girl. Flat keys, baby, flat keys.
Logitech probably knew wannabe nerds like me would turn into pimps and bastardise their products, so they designed a unique space bar akin to tattooing their name on one’s head. It’s not a deal-breaker for me. But it does violate “my b̶o̶d̶y̶ keyboard, my choice”.
Partway through this exercise, my head screamed abort, abort. But it’s like saying no in the middle of sex.
I didn’t have small keycaps for the bottom row. The regular-sized keycaps were as useful as a hooker only having a box of extra large condoms when her johns are small.
Being creative, I tried sanding back an alt key to make it fit. It looked out of shape, and I’m a fussy tech princess.
Working with what I have, I came up with “13”, and I’ll set the keys as “end” and “page down”. I thought creating “13” was clever given the spooky theme, but I need a life as much as I need keys for the bottom row.
ABORT, ABORT! This is S.H.I.T!
Over the years, I have made enough craft projects to know sometimes you have to grin and fake it. So, like a woman, I did.
🐝 Before
This is Bumble Bee before his makeover. This mother tells him he is a sexy beast.
🎃 After —
Bumble Bee now identifies as Pumpkin Spice and is ready for action. He likes to make the ladies scream.
But does he pass the beauty test, or has he been transformed into a tacky Halloween gimmick?
You decide — vote in the comments.
Tannille’s Vote
Giving Bumble Bee a Sandra Dee makeover was fun. The yellow lettering ties the base and keys together. Overall, I’m pleased.
Pumpkin Spice is a fling. A bit bold and cocky. You don’t bring him home to meet your family unless you want to make a statement. An on-again, off-again type of deal.
I prefer the typewriter keys as a single button pressing device. These ones aren’t orgasmic to press, but they are pretty in a blinding kind of way. And might be ok to try typing with but I prefer laptop type keys for my semi-touch typing.
The fortune teller predicts a breakup the next time I catch a sale. A girl can never have too many toys for her pleasure. I’m a two-timer. He’s my Halloween boy toy.
That’s me done. I need to roll over and go to sleep. Hmm, I wonder what I can pimp next?
THE WRITING ASYLUM 
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